...there's an angel, with a hand in my hair...

The only tangible evidence of the emotional upheaval that was my night is some pistachio crumbs left haphazardly on my bedspread. Ashley came to my room to see if we should hit up a Tuesday movie, and never left.

We digressed - the talk began in casual, small-talk, then migrated and spoke of other things, other people. The rest of the conversation was as convoluted and distracted as the thoughts perpetually in my head. It covered the broad spectrum of issues - love, hate, karma, change, potential, potential, potential...

Potential is a tricky slope. It exists and I can see it and it's great to have the potential to be someone amazing. But tonight I heard something that in all this time no one had said to me yet - potential has to be reached. Sometimes it won't be, and as frustrating as that is, so it is.

Life isn't a reciprocity theory. Somehow I came to believe that if I explained, if I answered, if I went on - that I would get the answers that I need in return.

Michelle, ma belle: C'est pas ton coeur qui sera déchiré en deux cette anneé, mais le mien.

I feel like I am constantly justifying myself. Explaining why I can't do certain things. Tonight I think I made her understand why she has to stop pushing, why it hurts me more. I know everyone thinks I am irrational, overly emotional - but at times, even I can be completely lucid. And there are reasons for what I do, and what I do not do, and who I see, and who I don't. I want people to start accepting that and stop questioning it.

I know she thinks I'm in a circle, a rut that I can't break out of. But Farnam, my beautiful wise Farnam who knows everything and the most gorgeous ways of saying it, explains it so well - I'm not moving in circles, but in spirals, she says. And even though it feels like I am always ending up in the same place, I'm not really because I am stronger every time - and even though I may have had a "night" this evening, it's different from the times when every night was a "night".

And because I will it to be so, and because I am actually afraid of the pile of anthropology readings I still have to do, I am calling an end to this "night".