...oh come on, oh come on, oh come on...

What do you want from me?

I want everyone to send me a list of what role they want me to play in their lives. I want a pidgeon hole and a user manual. I can't figure these things out on my own - you want friend, you want lover, you want love. You want teacher, you want caregiver, you want soundingboard. You want provider of gratuitous praise. You want attention to flatter your ego, or you want acceptance of imagined flaws, or you want a complacent coconspirator.

I can provide most of these things to most of you - but with so many requests to sort through, how can I find the right treatment for each person? When I'm honest, you run. When I'm not, you attack. What do you want?

There was a moment this afternoon where I almost started crying of frustration. I feel like I don't understand anything, no matter how much I watch to learn. In my head I am a small cartoon representation of me, and around me are mean caricatures of the people in my life - and you're all bigger, and stronger, and smarter and play off my naivete. And instead of aiming higher, or striving for self-improvement you wallow in your self-proclaimed imperfection, throwing it off as immovable, inherent.

People like your are everything that is wrong with the world. You justify your actions in a combination of logic and good intentions - I wonder if it means anything to you that your good intentions are null in void?? Because if you have "good intentions" for the purpose of having an excuse to fall back on, you have no good intentions; and I am convinced this is all you have.

I'm afraid of my own incompetences and immeasurable failings. Looking around at the multi-faceted brilliance (for better or for worse) of those around me, I constantly fall short. I get frustrated having pity arguments with people like Scott or Janet, because I think "shut up: you have no right to feel incompetent, because you are not". I'm scared because this inability to understand the world, and people is going to get me hurt - because I want everything to be right, and want to believe that you are all inherently good, and each time I find out you aren't my resolve in humanity's worth breaks a little more, a piece of me with it.

And I think, mathematically, this can't be sustainable because eventually there won't be anything of me left.