...shakira!...

She loves to be loved. She wants to be told she is and always will be.

This was a difficult night. I'm at fault in several respects, and for the others no one is to blame. Just an unfortunate case of it just wasn't really the right night.

On the one hand I put a lot of pressure on someone I really care about to "impress" someone else I really care about - which is unfair even on it's face. I've been meeting his friends on casual encounters, not planned. Contriving an event with Rachel, making him feel like it's a judgement thing was absolutely not cool. Even after everyone got together, I didn't make any effort to bring the two groups together. I'm horrible at mixed crowds like this, just incredibly socially awkward.

The other aspect of it was blameless on all counts. Theoretically it could have turned into an emotional catastrophe, but I think booting Rachel and Brandon was a good idea because it took some of that stress away and more importantly it made me more comfortable - if there's going to be another meeting in the future, it will be unplanned and just happen. I love Rachel (and actually Brandon as well) but I didn't even realise how much pressure this had put ME under too. There was nothing really wrong with what happened yesterday - there was something wrong with me being upset not about it itself, but about whether it would make a bad impression on my best friend. Totally a screwed up mentality.

Today has me reading Howl's Moving Castle in the UC courtyard, then running to work like a madwoman. 7 days till my exam means studying around the clock for the next week, disappearing from the face of the earth. Gives me a little boy break as well to get my head straight and think without distraction about the direction this is taking. Stay tuned I suppose.