...stuck past timing [play it cool boy]...

My dilemma is that the force of positive tension is enough to split me apart. Internalizing a tug of war, with grown up consequences. Someone will get hurt here.

"He lights up when he's around you, you know. Have you noticed that? I've never seen him so animated", she tells me when I come back down to earth, rejoin the living. Which almost hurts to hear, because I do know that but at the same time, I can only put up with the walls for so long. Knowing that I hold the power to change this balance isn't as comforting as you may think, because I'm more scared than he is, I think.

And I spend the whole day with you and just want more. I hear your stories, the one about moving into the new apartment - the couple dancing in the apartment across the alley, and you want what they have - and know not only that you could have that, but that I want to be the one you have that with. So I dance with you on parquet flooring missing chips; alone again or, it runs through my head. We talk movies, and you rub my back. I haven't seen all the good ones yet, but that's okay. That's where you come in. Still the whole time I'm thinking, I have an exam tomorrow. I have an exam tomorrow.

This past Friday, something new, someone new. No walls, no insecurity, no nerves, no arguments from concerned friends and neighbours -- but, as yet, no passion. No heart, no heart. Gentlemanly, sweet, chivalrous, punctual.

Punctual? I'm doomed.

Or lucky. Maybe this is as good as it gets.

Please don't let me believe that of the world.

Christ. I have an exam tomorrow.