...dissonance...

He was online even at this late hour, and seeing him there was this calming sensation third only to a) my mother, and b) Janet. So we talk, and he calms just by being himself, without even knowing that I am this close to breaking down.

Thinking about the future again, but this time a more immediate one, a future that starts in September. Turning my life into a mathematic equation, trying to find the perfect balance that takes all things into consideration into account. The variables: proximity to campus, privacy, convenience, maintenance of sanity (a correlate of proximity to my mother), and money. Some elements have a stronger weight, of course, and merit deeper consideration.

The solution - pending discussion with my parents, but I'm sure they will be pleased: I am most probably going to move back home for my last two years. I can keep enough of my privacy to be mostly satisfied there, will spend much less and by consequence save a great deal, have less distractions and do better in school, be close to my parents which seems to be more necessary than ever these days as my head is ever less in the game, and with both parents working downtown will not be much difficulty in commuting to school.

The drawbacks of course are living in Thornhill again, the thought of which doesn't thrill me. Also, the fact that I will not spend as much time with my friends, living so far from them. But it will make applying for a teaching aide position at TSS easier, will have me closer to Rachel, might motivate me to finally get my damn driver's license, and will enable me to save a lot of money. Did I mention being close to my mom?

I'm such a suck. The world around me is getting heavy again, and I just want my mommy. I'd also like to be able to sleep every now and again, but maybe I'm asking too much there. I'm awake again, aren't I?