...we interrupt this program for a moment of sheer panic...

My parents, appropriately, spent today outside replanting our yards for spring and starting our new herb garden. I spent the day in front of my computer continuing to re-analyse 170 years of legal precedent, taking on (that wonder, that awe) the "reasonable person" standard.

As the 19th crisp, white page rolled off my printer I had a flashback to the day in class when Lady T (she of the cat stories and "cover your ass" legal tips) warned us to be very sure we were confident in our analyses should we choose to question the logic of the great justices of the legal tradition, since they are (understandably) very smart people.

At this point I had the first stirrings of unease, followed by the rush of absolute terror. I thought back to my paper, and all I had decided I believe about the problems in application of the "reasonable person" standard to negligence law. I considered the line near the end where I suggested that the standard leaves room for bias and interpretation by justices with varying degrees of commitment to corrective justice as the aim of civil law... do I really believe this? I thought I did... but varying commitments - am I doubting the motives of Supreme Court justices?

I imagined myself waking up in the morning after hours of fretful sleep, pondering the issue further on my ride into the city, handing in the paper... only to come back minutes later, chasing Lady T down the halls of Larkin... "SUBCONSCIOUS! They were only uncommitted in their SUBCONSCIOUS!.

I also, more rationally, thought about rereading the paper and making revisions, but decided against it. To thine own self be true, right?

...not another cowboy...

The memory of your hand, imprinted now on my shoulder blade, is heavy, though the touch itself (twice, yesterday) was soft. They did this wrong, whoever it is who's responsible for doing these things, creating the circles in which these things are born. They made you different, and not for me. An oversight. (Foresight?). And if we are like you say we are (like this, you and me), you probably know this too.

This isn't an answer to anything, just a pause in the motions. I'll resume tomorrow, and think of something else.

...innocence/guilt...

"He has the unfortunate habit of sleeping soundly only, yes only...
--this I won't tell you-- but here it is anyway;
only, when a writer in exile speaks
You don't know the new country for sure
and now you hardly know the old one either"

I think I might have to take the class with Reza Baraheni after all, hopefully if it is being offered next year. I'm still reading his poem in this year's Hart House Review, today again, two days later. If you are in Toronto, pick up a copy at Hart House on the U of T campus. His poem is fascinating, the interview enlightening.

There are also some other wonderful pieces in it. Sadly, Veronika Bryskiewics does not have a piece in the review, but the quality of the selections shows that she is as talented an editor as she is a poet.

...do you want me to get in trouble?...

We were getting along SO well until we got around to talking about our favorite books/current reads (I went first: Master and Margarita, Bang Crunch). His turn? Angels and Demons.

"Oh man, it was awesome. The plot was really tight and I dug all the new real info I got from it".

New. Real. Info. Yup, he said it.

Second date? Not likely.

...i love jesus [sometimes i drink a little]...

I really do understand that attending concerts is a spectator event. But what the fuck. If I want to stand up with my friends at a concert at the ACC, I can. This is a concert, not your living room. There are DVD's available for this if you want to view it quietly, sitting. I WANT TO STAND.

Also? When did John Mayer become old people music? Is this a new phenomenon? I do not approve. (I also do not approve of that set list, geez).

...you should take a walk outside...

I've been trying to think this through and I think I finally got it (although I've been drinking so maybe I don't quite) and what I think I realized is that only three times this week have I felt proud of myself and happy in something I've done, and my positive self-concept on each of those occasions was related to approval. The approval of me by someone else (mostly the same person). So I wonder what that means for my self-esteem (or lack thereof), when it is entirely dependant on someone else's opinion.

And that leads me to wonder if that has anything to do with my sense of priority because, when it comes down to it, professors, law schools admissions officers, parents, friends; none of them exist on a yes/no approval/disapproval platform. What you do is judged in other ways, but never on the basis of some approval that manifests in arbitrary compensation, and even if it did, you would obviously know not to put so much weight in that compensation, whatever it is, or to build it up more than it is, or to make it mean something completely different, besides.

Mostly you would just say thank-you, and go home and think about something different. Because on a Saturday night two days after two very difficult exams, you should be thinking about something different. Especially drunken different things.

...a... love story?...

Saturday-afternoon sober. Thoughts kept internally are better. The end.