...lolita, reading between the lines...

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room, organizing my desk, and getting things together to toss out to the Salvation Army. Instead, I'm sitting at my laptop being educated in Ghostbusters and trying to convince Deanna to come out tomorrow night. My productivity is paramount.

Cody and I were talking last night about my ex-best friend and the disappearance of her. It really was like that for me. She excised herself from my life, but not completely because she is still there on campus, on mutual networks, and in the casual conversations of people I run into on the street. Botched amputation. He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him I'm not, but that's not entirely true. I am jealous, but not of her. I'm jealous of them because they have this fizziness and bright she brought to greyscale.

I saw someone I know from school in the store yesterday - nice enough girl, but I never really enjoyed her. She seems so empty to me. She writes to be famous, likes music if it's scene, and wants to be. Sometimes you even think she *is*. Then inevitably she gets -shitfaced- and you realise, not quite. Her profile online is a mini-me of my ex-friend. My first thought was "you don't deserve her". Depending on my mood that thought actually runs from "Maybe I'm overestimating her, memories are always kinder" to "Maybe I just didn't deserve her". It's so funny. You'd think this was an ex-boyfriend the way I'm talking.

I just reread the little description of my acquaintance from school, above, and it occurred to me that maybe my former friend is really just as insincere and flaky. Maybe she, too, just wants to be, and everyone just thinks she is. A good friend of mine certainly tried to tell me as much. Although if I never speak to her again, I don't suppose I will ever know for sure.