...a bi gezunt...

I felt the need to make my presence known this morning - Look! I'm awake! And coherent! I don't even know why it's important, but there it is.

Reasons why I don't [always] drink, in brief:
i) indiscriminite distribution of affection, with delicate consequences
ii) making an ass of myself in front of a sweet guy, alienating him in the process
iii) verbal incontinence and spilling of my heart

Re: iii) I don't know how we got onto the subject. I spent a few minutes afterewards thinking about it - from where did he suddenly rear his ugly head? She wanted to know what happened, not for gossip she isn't like that, but because it had been a Big thing for me, all those months and all those feelings, and though I want otherwise, I haven't been able yet to get rid of them completely. We supress, and stay busy, and think we're past and suddenly there it is.

And I meant what I told her completely - I *have* learned new things about him this year, and I *don't* feel like I know him anymore, and I *see* that he is not a good person, not in the high standard I put to being a good person. But getting sick this past week reminded me of last year's adventure with bronchitis, and collapsing on the couch. The boy tossed the comforter in the dryer with fabric softener, so it was all hot and teddybearspringtime smelling, and came back and threw it on me. And that is heaven, let me tell you, there is nothing better when you aren't feeling well. How in the world do you reconcile the different identities people contain? When did that person turn into that other person, the one who could say to me essentially the harshest thing I have ever heard from anyone. She cringed when I dropped that one.

It's not an isolated incident either. This past month has been a ridiculous saturation of people with varied personalities. People contain multitudes, yes, but this is different. Their inherent characters are more than one. Pick one, and go with it. But I digress. The point was being over it, and how frustrating it is that after whisky # 3 of a Saturday night, I'm not so over it.

Isabel Bayrakdarian is on TV. God she has a gorgeous voice. She's Armenian - at one point last night I remember telling someone about Tara and our funny Iranian/Armenian story, and today I miss her more than words. Clearly that was a sign - I need to call her today.