...etherized upon a table...

Tonight was singularly terrifying. I have never been so scared and vulnerable in my life, and am still shaking. I used to argue that Toronto is one of the best cities in which to live, but after tonight I'm on board with the "this city is no longer safe".

A couple hours ago, I got on the subway at Bathurst Station - the car was empty and one other guy got on with me. He sat right across from me, which I was immediately uncomfortable with. A few stops later, I tried to get off at Yonge Station, when he stood in front of the doors and wouldn't let me get off. The doors closed and the train started moving - I backed away and walked to the other side of the car, and ran off as soon as the doors opened at Sherbourne. As I started to walk up the stairs to get back on the other platform and go back to Yonge/Bloor, I noticed this guy followed me up and got onto the Yonge-bound train on the car next to mine. He got off one stop later with me at Yonge. At this point, I was starting to get overwhelmed and didn't really know what to do. I have taken self-defense courses and watch a lot of crime TV, but there is absolutely nothing like the panicked feeling that kind of insecurity gives you. I stood still for a minute on the platform, and this guy was standing right over my shoulder. I turned, walked to the escalator and went up to the fare booth, and grabbed a security guard as he was walking the other way, and immediately burst into tears. The guy who had been following me ran forward, down the opposite stairs and away.

I owe a huge commendation to the TTC tonight. Not only was I an absolute wreck, but at one point I forgot where I was supposed to be going. I was completely ungathered. Two constables walked me back down to the northbound platform, handed me over to the security guard on the train who stayed with me until we got to Finch Station, then got out of the train to walk me to a taxi stand. They were incredible, especially considering I barely stopped crying this whole time. They got my description of the guy (he had a huge tattoo across the back of his head, so hardly inconspicuous) and told me never to hesitate pressing the panic strip on the trains if such a thing happens again.

There were also two guys on the last train when I was with the guard who approached me and tried to ask if I was okay. One of them didn't stop staring at me the whole 20 minute ride. A word to other like-minded guys: do not do that. A girl who has just been scared like this is not going to want to be approached by strange men, even if you are wellmeaning (and I have my doubts as to that, anyway).

The other thing is this - the impression given when you say "followed" is ambiguous and much more benign than the reality. I consider what happened to me, if not an attack, then damn close - especially considering he tried to keep me from exiting the train. It was threatening and invasive, completely disorienting and shattered my sense of capability and security. I've never felt like such a ... girl. I don't mean that in a self-hating way. I mean that I am very aware tonight of how little I am, how light, how weak and how insecure.