...tired of looking for the electricity...

The theory was (back then, so they told me) my orderliness and hyperorganizational tendencies were meant to bring a semblance of control to my life, to compensate for those things I can't. In a way I only vaguely understood, the eating disorder was also related to that -- control, control, control. I'm watching "Phone Booth" after spending the morning (and my paycheque) at Ikea buying closet organizers, and the afternoon putting everything in an appropriately sized compartment. I'm not getting much of anything important done today. I'm relaxed though, and feeling easy.

Friday at lunch Laurie came up to me. "You nimrod" she said, "I don't secretly hate you. I just haven't seen you". Which was true, and valid. I laughed with B about it later, about this thing girls do where we take every missed invite or periodic absence personally. She said, and I agree, that it's probably a complex, from when we were fat. Hah! Makes sense to me. This was how I handled it: laughed, shook my head, and went dancing with a filmmaker at a Russian vodka bar. Healthy? I think so.

Unhealthy would be alienating yourself from all your friends, betraying them, destroying them and in the process yourself. Unhealthy would be keeping such a negative worldview that nothing can break in. There's someone else in my life, a sometimes friend with some of the same issues I have had in my life, and this is how she's handling hers. It's not going to make things better, and only seems to further isolate her. I try to break in sometimes and make some light, but she won't open. Hurts to see but there's only so much you can do.

The fax machine isn't working tonight and there's someone on the other end waiting for me. I could worry, or I could spend more time with Colin Farrell, drinking tea.