...falling short of worthy...

Saddam Hussein was executed late last night for his crimes against humanity. I can't wrap my head around it, and it is because of more than just my disdain for capital punishment. He was a fixture for so long that it is odd for him to no longer be present in some form. And now after all these years, nothing. He no longer exists.

...spiffy mart corn muffins...

Re: previous sadness - apparently nothing a $300 coat and Distraction Boy couldn't cure.

Re: married men - clearly, this has to stop.

Re: Laura Fitzgerald's "Veil of Roses" - what a load of crap! A more eloquent review will follow at some point, but for now I can only think in expletives.

...the cure for bad deeds...

We did nothing but spend the last 30 hours in bed watching TV and movies. Home Alone, Love Actually, and then Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes in excess. Later, I made stirfry on square white dishes, and amaretto cocoa. That's how it's supposed to be.

Mmmm and retail therapy in the morning, all's right with the world.

...the fighting temptations...

I can't even write this down, that's how problematic it is. I'm no longer sure who reads this or why, so I just don't want to say anything at all. I think I definately need to go to bed.

...dem's fighting words...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I spent my morning with the family and the Barenaked Ladies on tv, singing along to carols and the like. Also, "if i had a million dollars", which isn't a carol but makes for a great family sing-a-long.

Inna, you're a doll. Thank you for spreading holiday cheering-up and I will take you up on Starbucks quite soon, but last night needed alcohol, which was promptly gotten. Skating this week? Possibly maybe?

...the elephant in the room...

The little satchel of worries weighed heavy today. The family thing was enough. It didn't need anything on top of it, so then why, in addition to it...? Of all the days to maketh thy presence known (and this goes for Both of You), it had to be today, right before Christmas. So now there are two things bothering me. They will be dealt with separately, and in succession (today's hiding, for the record, was not dealing). For the first, I will go to mass tomorrow morning. After a work interlude, I will then proceed to drink heavily and with flexible discretion, seeking distraction and something else. I think everything should work out fine, after.

...me and the (bottle) blonde...

She quit today, out of the blue. And yes, despite the absence of snow, it is 5 days from Christmas. What I think this means, in practical terms, among others, is no more creeping up behind me making absurd cluck cluck sounds. Ridiculous, the lot of them.

Yesterday I thought I had a bad day, so I went out after work and bought gorgeous shoes. Today I had an even crankier partsofmyday, but am now broke. Which is okay. Because the whole day wasn't bad enough to merit another pair of shoes (even with orange trim). It was enough to buy a spinach croissant and get extra whip cream in my latte.

...irregular absentee ballots...

It's so nice to have a day off. Wake up at 11 and not leave the bed, luxuriate in lying smooth between the sheets. This afternoon I want to clean so in the evening I can watch "Ballet Girls" with hot chocolate in a nice apartment. Relax relax so tomorrow morning (bright-eyed, bushy-tailed) the holiday onslaught can begin once more.

There has been such a pattern to my days for so many months that the days bleed together and I'm lost in time. Yesterday I couldn't remember how old I was. Met someone new and told them my age, only to have to call back later and say "Oh wait! I'm actually a year older than that. I forgot".

A message on my computer. She says: reporting from the borden bordello at 0:22 hours. re: reconnaissance and infiltration mission. for debriefing, including your role, contact me via mobile. over and out. Spy games? Murder mystery? Stalking of new men? None of the above. Our mission is to conquer Super Smash Brothers, become Nintendo Pros. We've done fobness, we've done fashion students, now we do pixelated gaming. Ooooo, yes.

...down to the golden horseshoe...

I can wear pretty boots and jingly-dangly earrings, and sing all the carols I want. I can drink peppermint mochas and carry my knitting, fuzzy pink scarf, with me wherever I go. But. When it's the 13th of December and it's 10 degrees outside, any illusion of Christmas cheer and holiday spirit is weakened.

I.

Want.

Snow!

...they haven't been favourable...

I think the most difficult thing about living in Toronto is the distance I feel to certain events as they happen, and how I respond to them. I might hear from one source that disruptions at an Ahmadinejad speech at Amir Kabir University were an "uprising" they feel will become substantial resistance; the AP will describe the same event as a small group of student protestors "heckling" the President. So I wait, reading different sites, talking to different people, wondering what actually happened and whether it means anything, in the larger scheme of things.

...kingdoms will fall...

Grosman asked about one child; one maybe lost, seemingly without morals. He's completely glazed, nothing gets through. So, how do we reach him? Maybe if, hypothetical world, we isolated him for 10 years and reculturized him, resocialized, re-personized?...

Maybe. But it isn't just him. It is an entire generation, an entire nation that has to be resocialized with values and courage, and self-esteem. A lifetime of work that still has to be done.

...too quick to renounce friendship...

I decided to do the walk from Cartwright Hall to work by crossing across the Philosopher's Walk, the first time in almost 2 years I had walked along that path behind the law school and the faculty of music. As I walked, I found myself constantly throwing a glance behind me, expecting to see a svart alfar on my tail. I didn't see one. Know why? Because I slew that svart alfar. By which I mean my contracts law exam. Whee!

*disclaimer - I know that last meant nothing to you unless you are a reader of Guy Gavriel Kay. Which, as far as I'm concerned, you all ought to be. But the point is - hardest exam = finished. Only one left!

...reading old english...

Maybe the JCR isn't the most productive place to study for a three hour contract law exam, but I enjoy how relaxed it is. On the couch (I'm on a couch) beside me, a couple is taking a together-nap. The next one over is occupied by three Shakespeare students whisper-reading scenes from Twelth Night. At the tables across the way a gorgeous young guy sits with his laptop, in a suit, briefcase on the floor. Besides the fact that in the JCR everybody fits in, he doesn't really fit in. I find out later, in the coffee line, that he is a former student, used to work in Diabolos and is here for a conference. Slumming? Not really. More like coming home.

I'm tempted to deactivate my facebook and myspace accounts today. I made a list last night of my close friends, and even the not-too-close ones I nonetheless speak to and see often. It was a fraction of the (combined) 265 friends it says I have in my networks. Some of the people in my network I haven't seen in three years, or talked to, or thought about. A couple I've never even met, how's that? For a social gathering place, it just makes me feel isolated.

...not worth liquidating assets for...

I'm so mixed up.

...streaming inconsistencies, careless indelicacies...

She rings the distraction alarm at every turn. The closer I get, the more obvious the parallels are and I wonder if I shouldn't get back on the ledge. There was another girl like her remember? Her personality contains as many backslashes as she has multitudes, and you hope you'll get advance warning when the changes come.

Fast/Love
Free/Fall
Lost/Boys
Can't/Quite/Reach

----------------------------------------

I missed him last year. Two days before I came home from Iran, he left again and again I settled in for a year without. He's almost home, almost home and I'll probably have to fight to see him, and hope he calls me and wants to see me. I'll be insecure and nervous, wondering what is taking so long. I'll cave eventually and call him myself and show up at his office and pull theatrics. Graceless, I know. But it will work. It has to.

----------------------------------------

Last night I explained this to a friend: It isn't that I don't like her. It's that she is too much like me, but to her they are receptive. What appears like a casual distaste is jealousy pure and simple. I don't want to be a pet. I'm capable and formidable, and want to Show My Stuff!

!!

Got it?

...a proper slavic stage-name...

My previous post was number 888, a nice round significant number. I'm glad it was an upbeat one. Here's something even more upbeat: Stephane Dion (amazingly) won the Liberal leadership today on the 4th ballot. I'm pleasantly surprised that the Canadian delegates got it right and avoided falling into the topsy-turvy, inconsistent vaccuum that is Ignatieff. Instead they made a point that environment is a top concern, the military issue in Iraq is not something about which we can be ambiguous, and the liberals need a strong, consistent step forward.

The next three days are exam heavy so I will make myself scarce from work, writing, life, and play -- I will emerge the better for it, later in the week. Kisses all around -

...beat military...

In brief:

i) It's snowing! I think my winter can now jump back on the right track. It's unnatural to have our first snowfall on the second of December. I've been waiting three weeks! Not to mention how unnatural it was to have 18 degree weather the last two days of November.

ii) Split-ends took me to the salon and now I have short hair. Not "short", but short-er. Too short-er. Not quite "drastic", which is what Britt wanted for me, but I think there's some minimal drama in this cut.

iii) Cocktail party!