...superstars...

Guarded, guarded, guarded...

I'm having panic issues today, uncomfortable toomuchthinking self-questioning issues. Debating between cutting loose and staying the course, juggling too many motivations and reasons. Maybe I could make a pro-con list. But who wants to decide their future on a list? Who should need to - the answer should be instinctive. Right?

...kitsch...

My building has started a new service for its residents. A Lexus, silver and brand-new, gorgeous - on site, and rented by the hour.

There is already a waiting list.

Jesus. What planet is this?

...it's enough to make me cry...

maybe its a dream and if I scream

Lately it's soft moments in lush parks, Mondays in Christie Pits. Lying on a picnic table we're high up, and high. Everything else falls outside the realm of our gaze. The inside of my right shoulder is thankful for your attentions, while I'm just thankful for you. Hours later, a reminder from the stowaway aphid on my left ankle has me corner-mouth smiling.

it will burst at the seams

Speaking of stowaways, the white butterfly that found itself floating around the platform of Sheppard Station had me stopped in my tracks, watching to see if it would find it's way onto a train. After several minutes, I was reminded of my impending exam and the train approaching, doors opening, I walked on.

this whole place will fall to pieces

Somehow, a friendship drifted away from me. Drifted, or took deliberate steps away. I can never make up my mind for certain, but the empty space is there nonetheless, small but potent like her.

and then they'd say...

It's only when I'm away that I'm guarded, and worry about the finite nature of things. But with you and close, I'm only thinking of being with you and close.

----------------------------------------

I'm uncertain where the excessive emotion is coming from. Maybe it's the chemicals, I think this was on the side of the box. Side effects, take note of them next time. It could be 5 hours of listening to Jack Johnson though, that too would do the trick. So absurd, all of it.

...frying pan, fire...

In terms of the election - wow. That was a surprise. A disappointing one.

In terms of everything else: one month! Look how cute we are, committing like grown-ups, or so we pretend to be. Oh boy, you are some kind of special.

...two treatises...

I'll be honest with you, I'm not really having a good day. My best friend is angry with me and hasn't called to tell me why - so I've spent the last three days wanting to talk to her, but being avoided which is always not pleasant. I had some blood work results come back a little wonky, which considering how I've been feeling the past few weeks I had come to expect, but is never nice to hear. They can't seem to decide exactly why it's wonky, but wonky it is. So, an overnight emerges and monitoring and their usual tricks. I have an exam in five days that I'm not as prepared for as I would like because I've had other things on my mind. I'm performing myriads of social juggling acts and feel like I'm the one that'll be dropped on the floor. I had a coffee date with a Natalee yesterday, and then she forgot so that too made me sad. Also, there's an ugly stain on my laptop from where a bird pooped on it yesterday. Fucking birds.

All in all, things aren't wonderful.

Really the only inherently and simply lovely aspect of this week was an impromptu picnic with Farnam on the Vic Quad yesterday. Hurray to the Dollar Store and a cheap green table cloth.

The only thing that stopped me deleting this blog last night was the fact that I'd miss being able to read some of the old entries. So barring a back-up procedure, it stays for the moment. I had one of my "moments". Where this is more trouble than it's worth, where anonymous jerks make me upset, where words are misread and misunderstood and I know as I'm writing them that they will be, but since it's the only way to get those words down you have to do it and hope for the best, as for as other people's interpretations go.

I had a dream that I bought tickets to a Coldplay concert for $91 each, and then went to the show and Jet was playing instead. I woke up angry.

...in your car...

Shakira's new video is so hot, I can't decide if I want to be her or do her. In her honour, every day this week has seen me with Shakira-esque hair. The humidity has leveled off for a couple days which has made it possible to actually do the curl thing without ending up with the oh-so-familiar Persian 'fro.

Questions - Live 8? Do we go? Hmm.

6 days and counting from the Children's Lit exam. Partying it up in the Vic Quad surrounded by sun, birds, squirrels, trees and (in a few minutes) a babiepink girl.

In other news, last night saw an encounter with Captain Angry. Apparently, customers are very emotional about their books. One such irate man grew very angry at the fact that the store was closing last night before he found a book he wanted, and decided this was just cause for breaking through the glass window of our front door, keeping me an hour later than usual sweeping shards of glass from the sidewalk and cursing his name.

To the new cashier, who was on her first shift last night - the customers aren't always like this. Scouts honour.

...shakira!...

She loves to be loved. She wants to be told she is and always will be.

This was a difficult night. I'm at fault in several respects, and for the others no one is to blame. Just an unfortunate case of it just wasn't really the right night.

On the one hand I put a lot of pressure on someone I really care about to "impress" someone else I really care about - which is unfair even on it's face. I've been meeting his friends on casual encounters, not planned. Contriving an event with Rachel, making him feel like it's a judgement thing was absolutely not cool. Even after everyone got together, I didn't make any effort to bring the two groups together. I'm horrible at mixed crowds like this, just incredibly socially awkward.

The other aspect of it was blameless on all counts. Theoretically it could have turned into an emotional catastrophe, but I think booting Rachel and Brandon was a good idea because it took some of that stress away and more importantly it made me more comfortable - if there's going to be another meeting in the future, it will be unplanned and just happen. I love Rachel (and actually Brandon as well) but I didn't even realise how much pressure this had put ME under too. There was nothing really wrong with what happened yesterday - there was something wrong with me being upset not about it itself, but about whether it would make a bad impression on my best friend. Totally a screwed up mentality.

Today has me reading Howl's Moving Castle in the UC courtyard, then running to work like a madwoman. 7 days till my exam means studying around the clock for the next week, disappearing from the face of the earth. Gives me a little boy break as well to get my head straight and think without distraction about the direction this is taking. Stay tuned I suppose.

...a music review [that flows]...

I never understood people who go and leave judgemental and offensive comments on people's blogs. It always made me question not only their credibility but also their anonymity. It's a horribly personal attack, and it seems incongruous in the face of that to hide who you really are.

I mean - who in this day and age has the time to read random blogs, and then write the author and insult them for not writing about what you want. First of all, how incredibly presumptuous. Second, does it make some big difference to your life, what I write about? [I suppose that could be flattering].

It's hard for me to believe random strangers would bother doing something like that, which is why I tend to think it's personal, and probably from someone I know in real life, outside of this intangible internet. Which is intriguing of course, because it makes me wonder who you are. But also frustrating, because really it's rather mean and I hardly see the point. Meanness for the sake of meanness is not really something I get.

There is of course always the chance that this mystery lady is a complete stranger, I won't rule that option out. If that's the case though, well frankly that's just sad.

...minorly melodic - loud, dissonant...

Incredible. Expatriated again. Why does this keep happening to me?

The elections in Iran: of course I care, of course I am following them. Do I feel a need to write about them? Not even a little bit; many others are doing a more commendable job than I could manage, given my limited knowledge on many of the intricacies of the matter. Do I feel obligated to write about them? Not even a little bit. My connection to Iran is emotive and historic, based much more on nostalgia than any real sense of nationalism. What has Iran done for me other than leaving me prone to recurrent bronchitis from exposure to it's shitty air and having given me a childhood fear of loud noises, sirens, dark places and basements from two years of war-time living. I'm prepared for the fallout of this next comment, but so be it: my world will not collapse and fall apart because of the happenings in that country, the directions of my future won't alter.

I write about the things that are on my mind at whatever moment I catch in front of my computer. What's on my mind in the immediate moments? My classes, my students, my boyfriend, my job, my friends and the other details of my day to day.

Re: Inna and how this blog doesn't have to be politically driven all the time - it never has to be politically driven. This isn't a political blog. It is MY blog. (Did we lose sight of that somewhere along the way?) It is for me, for my friends, and whoever else drops in. But I'm not going to cater to you, and I won't accept your superficial judgement since you obviously don't know me. A silly blog on a silly net is hardly the best way to get to know somebody, don't you think?

Et voila, my rant. Moving on...

i) There's a new baby in our family who is entering day 3 without a name. That worries me a little bit, the thought of this identity-less creature in existence. There should be a statute of limitations on baby-naming. 24 hours. No more.

ii) Spent the night with 2 itty bitty kittens, 2 months old who climbed on my head all night and fought over my braid, tugging my hair. Eventually they wore each other out, and curled up against either sides of me, at which point I finally dozed off until they woke me barely 4 hours later. There was a boy somewhere in all this, but he was more or less ignored. Hey, there were cats. I know my priorities.

iii) Tomorrow night is Catch 23 at Clinton's, watching the boy do his thing.

iv) Theoretically it should also be catching up on the ridiculous amount of schoolwork I need done by Tuesday. But, well. I'm not really sure that will happen.

...three knocks...

The most intriguing thing for me of Mr. and Mrs. Smith was the hilarity that Adam Brody is wearing a Fight Club t-shirt in the scene where he is being interrogated by Brad Pitt. Did anyone else notice that?

I didn't notice that. For the record, my boyfriend did. But once it was brought to my attention I was incredibly amused.

...do do do...

Return of the Roman Numerals

i) Trying in vain to reach a babiepink girl - where oh where is my Tuesday morning coffee date?

ii) I'm a scaredy pants in the face of powerful words and more powerful feelings. Everything is new, everything is strong. I'm handing over my insecurites at the same time as I'm handing over the keys to my apartment. The story is so he can let himself out in the mornings (but really it's so he can let himself in).

iii) Tomorrow is the last day of teaching, tears. Grosman hugged me and my heart smiled. Retsos is a doll for dealing with my issues. Such love for T-Hill.

...clenched fist, saying it's wrong...

Misery is a 100-year old high school with no air conditioning in 40 degree weather.

Tonight is maybe a comedy show at Clinton's, and moral support for a boy facing the music. I got his back like that.

...and i wondered if...

Today was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. There was only minor awkwardness, and most of my discomfort was chiefly a result of my own stress, pre-emptively.

With the boy, I don't know. Things are still shaky. Not that he's on thin ice, exactly, but that I am aware and my eyes are wide awake. The first sign of trouble, I'm gone. For the moment, it's just play by ear, see how it goes. Hoping it continues to go.

NXNE is done. I am as exhausted as I look. I need much sleep and water and advil, to get me through this week of assignments and work and school and issues. I also need people to be more accessible than they have been of late. I need people to have phones that work please, and emails they answer. Okay?

...time allotted...

Because commitments are not just for the good times, I did not in fact break up with him (though I think Rachel wishes I had). Hurrah for grown-up me?

It was a bad stretch of a weekend, and it isn't over quite yet (tomorrow is still there, and waits with tension at work) but like I said to him this morning, this was about as bad as anything could ever get, and we got through and past in just under three hours. At this point, we can pretty much handle anything.

The goody bag I got from the conference is full of interesting magazines and a bunch of new demos. I'm veritably impressed, and the experience was worth it for that and other things, despite shit happening to make me miss all three nights of shows.

The list of people who aren't speaking to me, or who have changed in how they are speaking to me, has expanded to Steph. And I haven't even gotten to the store yet. Tomorrow will be fun. And by fun I mean painful.

...wilt fall...

Standing on the verge of what, with respect to the rest of my life to date, is likely to be the worst sequence of days I have or will experience.

I'm just saying that by way of explanation, not to arouse alarm. Don't call or go crazy with the emails, I won't have time to answer them and they would probably just be in the way anyway. I just need a few days to get things in order and figure out, oh whether this is going to crush me or not.

Re: Intense emotional breakups, because that is the first thing likely to come to people's minds. No I am not in the midst of one, but I'm not counting it out over the next few days. At the very least, we might be looking at a break, to give me head-think time. It will come down to me though, that decision. The easy decision would be backing out, backing off of all of it. The harder one, to commit completely and to heavy issues that are a first.

You know me, I'm generally not good with other people's issues. And these are, essentially the worst. Now determining what constitutes a forgiveable offense.

Ugh. My heart hurts. And my head, from lack of sleep this week. I'll rant soonish, probably. If I haven't, don't mind.

(When I said don't get in touch, naturally that does not apply to Farnam, Rachel or Janet, who will call me please as soon as they can)

...you make me...

Biggest sign of a music festival that knows what it's doing? Barrels of Red Bull in all corners of the conference centre, complimentary for the staff.

Going in two different directions and not wanting to split up just yet, we spent an hour on an appropriated bench at Bathurst Station. Making our own small corner of the city, and I get cute. Talk about the stories we'll tell later, about "our" bench. "So umm... who will be telling these stories to?" he asks. "I don't know... people." "Little people?" he wonders coyly; and the words neither of us say hang loudly in the three-week old air. I just kiss in response, and his hand is on my stomach.

--------------------------

Running to King Street HMV today before my shift, if I have time. I need Blue Rodeo, Shakira, Matt Mays, and Black Eyed Peas. Today please.

...he holds a certain gesture...

I spent an hour cooking today, making three meals in large portions to last me a couple of days. In this way can I bring tupperwares to work, spending no money on food as a result, and control the health factor of the food I intake. This is equal parts practicality and domesticity.

I also did laundry, ran the dishes through the washer, cleaned, washed my hair and typed notes for a political philsophy course. All this on less than an ideal amount of sleep, because someone decided that he wanted attention at quarter to five in the morning, and woke me up. And kept me up.

Janetina met the boy last night, and approves I think. Which is lovely. I am happy and thriving, although I have bouts of commitment panic. I'm still sticking strong on my feet though, and he's lovely at calming. So even despite my neuroses, we are optimistic.

Madness is the next few days. The music festival starts in the morning, so from tonight until Sunday, I am for all intents and services out of commission, and likely to go mad.

...walked in crooked...

If I ever become a teacher, I am going to request a waspy school in a nice town with no issues, and boys only. If there's one thing I have learned in the last four weeks at Thornhill it is that I abhor teenage girls. They have this remarkable ability to rob you of your very identity and look right through you, from the middle of your forehead backtowards the blackboard. Where do they learn that? It's unnatural. Such mean spirited little creatures they are, too. And the fact that several of them are already involved in drug use and prostitution is frightening.

Tonight i am making dinner for Rachel, and we are girl-acting watching a movie. I have been completely singleminded on my hot boy high the past couple of weeks, so I need to take a breather and take in the rest of the world for a night.

If at all possible, I also need to do some reading for my literature course. We'll see. My priorities are a little screwey right now. At least, the boy's priorities are in perfect order. In telling me the rules of watching a movie with him: "If you're going to have to go to the bathroom, go now. We don't stop the movie for anything. Not for the bathroom, not for getting a drink of water. Not for severe injury. If you want to stop the movie to make out for a bit... well I'm not unreasonable. We can negotiate that."

I didn't need to do a lot of negotiating.

And now have gaps to fill in Bull Durham.

...sheltering...

Yorkdale Mall makes me laugh. It's so large, and expensive and full of very silly people.

But it gave me new jeans though. Hurrah for that.

...mind half-asleep...

What struck me most, in the middle of a warm night in a warmer room, was the almost reverent tone in his voice, a faint sense of awe in the way he said "You're beautiful". I felt like a goddess, and the incomprehensibility of that thought made me silent, but with the audible hum of thrill running through me.

Earlier, in the more lucid moments, I tried to explain my neuroses to him. Tried to articulate that this isn't a fear of commitment, but a fear of being overwhelmed, and a desire to try and keep things under control as long as possible. Things are already too substantial here. In terms of me and my life's story, this is bigger than the cosmos. It's different and powerful and challenging and incredibly exciting -

---------------------------------------------

This morning I woke up to kisses and 1980's indie pop - lovely lilting songs, Sunday morning songs on a busy Friday, feels like vacation almost. Things you want to wake up to as many mornings as you can.

---------------------------------------------

...Thursday, Friday...

...diamonds, black background...

I want a dry-erase wall calendar, just so I can mark off with cute stickers all the days that I get kisses.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

...i know, i know you tried to change things...

For Javod, who asked and shall receive:

I am happy and up and busy and light. I run around from one place to another, record-breaking strides, but I have so much energy it works. As I walk to the next destination, sometimes I am so wound I run for several steps before walking again. Everything is fast, intense isolated moments.

The breakdown is as follows: This morning is teaching until around 3, then tripping to the FTC offices for coffee with a Brahmin god. Then to dinner, then to Jorane on my own because no one else wants to see her (but it's okay because I will make friends there). Immediately from there to Ciao Edie's to see a British Dave, before everyone packs up and goes to the Supermarket. In my old haunts it seems tonight. Then at the end of tonight, like last night, like the night before that, is a boy.

The anonymity/lowdown idea worked for about a week. Already this week people are figuring things out, the pieces fall into place. Just out of nowhere, everything fell into place.

I'm a little overwhelmed so my head is going everywhere at once. I'm secretly afraid of commitments, despite craving them. They're big and risky and induce panic. I want the quiet, the smaller moments for as long as I can; like yesterday and two hours in Queen's Park on a picnic bench with you holding me, and sunlight through green trees.